I’ve read a lot of lists of “10 Things that Rich/Successful/Satisfied/Extraordinary People Do Every Day”.

Meanwhile, I’ve been conducting extensive research (and by “conducting research” I mean “scrolling through Twitter”) and have created a definitive list of what actual non-unicorn people do every day:

1. Make coffee, then forget to drink it. 

Because how can we be expected to remember to drink my first cup of coffee if my caffeine-starved brain can’t function without coffee? But it’s totally ok, twice-microwaved coffee tastes great too, right? (SPOILER: It doesn’t.)

2. Go to the gym and stop on the way home to get a cheeseburger or milkshake or burrito.

Because I need protein after a workout, and looking at my phone whilst strolling casually on a treadmill for twenty minutes counts as a work-out, right? And when you think about it, cheeseburgers are pretty much the same as a protein bar. Plus, I lost count but I think today might be my cheat day. Yeah, that sounds about right.

3. Listen to the radio and complain the whole time about how there’s no good music on anymore.

What? You can’t possibly expect me to be bothered to dig a CD out of my glovebox or plug my phone into my fuzzy FM adaptor. So I guess I might as well listen to the same damn Katy Perry song over and over with commercials in-between. Man, all the best music was made before I was born.

4. Wonder how in the world everyone else in your city managed to pass the driver’s license test. 

I’m not even kidding. When I see people drive around here, I’m certain that their thought process goes like this: “Golly, it sure is a lovely day. I’d love to get into an accident whilst merging onto the freeway. Let me see if I can arrange that just now.”

5. Make a budget, then abandon it three days later because you’d rather not know how little money you have. 

*weeps softly into an empty envelope neatly labeled SAVINGS*

6. Read lifehacks and organizational tips whilst on the toilet.

Did you know you can use a dustpan as a funnel? Did you know that if you take five minutes every day to clean your house it won’t be so messy? Did you know that if you wake up earlier you’ll be happier? Did you know that… oops, we’re out of toilet paper again. Crap.

7. Promise yourself that you’re totally going to fold the laundry and wash the dishes tomorrow. 

Right now I’m really tired and need to rest up, but tomorrow morning I’ll be in the mood to clean this house like a modern-day Mary Poppins. I just know it!

8. Get really educated and passionate about political issues even though you know nothing will ever change.

I’m really grateful for people who invest a lot of time in raising awareness of important political issues. It’s important that we’re all aware of exactly how screwed we are.

9. Stay up past midnight staring at the internet because you’re too lazy to go to bed. 

Finally, the kids are asleep, I’m done with work, I’ve managed to forget my to-do list, and I’m just going to relax for ten minutes before I go to bed. Two hours later I’m googling “funny animal reaction GIFs” because that’s still easier that getting off the couch to walk to bed.

10. Share inspirational quotes online while sitting on couch watching Netflix and eating nachos.

A journey of 1000 steps always begins tomorrow.