Yesterday I told you about how sometimes everything feels flat and grey, and I’m not sure whether or not I’m moving in any particular direction at any time. Today I was trying to find the textures. Here’s what I saw:

Small crunchy leaves on the sidewalk. The big leaves haven’t fallen yet; they’re still mostly green and still tree-bound. But the small ones litter the sidewalk and collaborate with the smell of a campfire somewhere in the neighborhood to remind me that summer is for sure over. Still, there was sun, warm sun and blue sky and if you’re into fall it doesn’t get much better than this.

So while I was walking on the sidewalk crunching leaves and soaking up campfire-smoke-laced sunshine, I thought about the grey and wondered if this is how life is supposed to feel.

I wonder that a lot, and I’m realizing that “is this how this thing is supposed to feel?” is probably an unhelpful and even counterproductive question. but still it runs laps through my head…

yoga: “I don’t feel peaceful and calm and transcendent. I feel clumsy and tight and awkward and a little bit lumpy. Is this how yoga is supposed to feel?”

parenting: “I love these boys and sometimes there are absolutely spiritual moments of deep affection and connection. and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and doing a shit job of teaching them to fly. is this how parenting is supposed to feel?”

spirituality: “‘I keep finding myself back in church, singing shit about God and ingesting bread and wine. there are moments where I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, my soul connected to all of humanity and to the divine. but there are lot more moments (most of them) where I feel some cocktail of doubt, boredom, and skepticism. it’s meaningful enough that I keep coming back, but never quite enough to calm the questions swirling in my mind. is this how spirituality is supposed to feel?”

i don’t know.

i wonder.


This blog post is part of #write31days. This year I’m skipping out on a theme and going with ten minutes of unedited free-writing every day (unless I don’t feel like it, let’s be honest). You can read more posts from my #write31days by clicking here.

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