Jesus Dies on the Cross
It’s Good Friday and I’m standing barefoot in my driveway with a sledge hammer and a fistful of nails. Scattered around me on the ground are broken pieces of an old church pew, a shattered portrait of Jesus, the small leather Bible I read every single day many lifetimes ago (when I was a good Christian).
I Will Cease My Relentless Deconstruction
I will cease my relentless deconstruction when I have excavated deep enough to find something solid upon which I can begin to build again. So far I have found only foundations that turn to sand when I rest the weight of my full being against them. I would be a fool to build on sand.…
Most Days Humanity is a Shrug of Futility
Most days, humanity is a shrug of futility. My religion taught me to deny this fundamental existential reality. I was supposed to convince myself that god has a plan for my life. I was supposed to convince myself that I was created for a purpose. /// There are two problems with these beliefs: 1.) they…
Once Upon a Time
once upon a time I was god. once upon a time I was a star. when I was a star I was god but I did not know it then. I do not know it now, either. once upon a time I was born. on the day I was born, manacles were clamped on…
O Silent Infinite (a Prayer for Advent)
O Silent Infinite, being beyond being which transcends existence (or exists not at all except in our shared desire for You) Our hearts are filled with stories, myths, and songs that say once upon a time on a silent, holy night you became one of us. Could it be true? could You really be born…
churchdread
It’s been 207 days now since I have been to church. It’s been 207 days now since I have received the Eucharist, what once was to me the Body and Blood of God. There have been two exceptions: Rachel’s funeral and my wedding. (And I’m not sure the one at my wedding even counted, since…
To Church
I didn’t go to church yesterday. I didn’t go last week either, or the week before that (but that one was probably cancelled because of snow and ice anyways). I wish that I could. I wish that I could walk into a church building — any church building — and feel ok. I wish that…
Disconnect
We didn’t have internet in our house until I was in high school. I have no idea how we learned stuff, or where our music came from, or how we knew how to cook vegan butternut squash soup. Paper, I guess. Paper and cassette tapes and then later CD’s, though my mom once told me…
Confessions of a Reluctant Writer
I stopped being vulnerable about faith a long time ago. I still write things that are true and real and come from a deep part of me but it doesn’t really feel risky anymore. I’ve said “fuck christianity” and “nothing matters” and “the bible is garbage” enough times that it’s not shocking, not to me…
for Keenan, if you find this
Yesterday when I picked you up from school you said to me: “Today we got to do whatever we want to in school. Guess what I did?” I guessed that you made music on an iPad, because I know how much you love iPads and I know you want to be the first 8-year-old to…
Why I Say Swear Words at Church Sometimes
“You’re not as special as you think you are.” That’s what Dave told me a few weeks ago. Up until that point, I thought I was pretty special. I thought I was special because I feel dead inside almost every Sunday when I sit in church. I thought I was special because every Sunday morning…
Lament for the Slave Girl in Pharaoh’s House
[cw: rape] “Thus says the Lord: About midnight I will go out in the midst of Egypt, and every firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the firstborn of Pharaoh who sits on his throne, even to the firstborn of the slave girl who is behind the handmill…” – Exodus 11 She…
The God Who Doubts
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth…” And I wonder if, after he sat down at an ancient typewriter and composed the opening line of his own biography, god was seized with the voice of self doubt and paused to say to himself: “This is shit. Nobody is going to read this.”…
The Last Day of July
I am surrounded by gremlins with good hearts and under-developed brains. This is what I tell myself as I collapse into our big yellow armchair (IKEA STRADMON) and survey the wreckage of an ordinary summer day in a house with four children. It’s early evening and the house is quiet for the first time in…
Proposal to Revise a Word (or Two) of “Reckless Love”
The only thing worse than getting a song stuck in your head is getting a song stuck in your head whose theology you find mildly reprehensible. But such is the case with the overwhelming, never-ending catchiness of “Reckless Love” It’s one of those tunes that chases me down, fights till I’m found, and lodges it’s…
