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Incoherent Mumbled Prayers

“God, give me grace for today.”

I don’t remember if I said it aloud, or just felt it trudge through my mind as a tired prayer. In that moment between looking at the clock on my phone and willing my frame into a vertical position, it was just there.

This is an improvement . There have been a lot of mornings when my first thought was incoherent swear words jumbled in my head as I tripped over yesterday’s laundry on the way to the bathroom. I really should go to bed earlier, or wake up later, or something. Never mind, I’ll just double down on coffee.

But today, there was a prayer: “God, give me grace…”

It’s easy to love the people who you don’t see. I can sit and write all day about loving homosexuals and minorities and liberals, but on any given day I won’t actually see any of those people here in the rural Bible Belt.  When I look in the mirror I see a guy who writes on the internet about loving people but in person is irritable, critical, judgmental. I’ll hate you if I don’t think you’re as loving as I am.

All the words don’t do any good if I spend my day glaring at the people around me. 

Hence the attempt at having a good attitude. It’s hard to have a good attitude when I’m tired, so yesterday I just tried to shut up (I knew I didn’t have anything nice to say). It’s hard to muster up a good attitude from nothing but will-power and caffeine for more than one day in a row.

So God, give me grace for today.

published September 12, 2012

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