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some stuff i've written about doubt

How Firm a Foundation?

If I had been able to really believe, none of this would have happened. If I had ever been able to experience the God they spoke of in the way they spoke of Him, I probably would have been satisfied….

God Did Not Speak to Me

God did not speak to me. I spoke and my voice was divine, though I was unaware that all the “god” i seek is not something, someone, an entity bearing being somewhere beyond the universe. god has only always been…

I Will Cease My Relentless Deconstruction

I will cease my relentless deconstruction when I have excavated deep enough to find something solid upon which I can begin to build again. So far I have found only foundations that turn to sand when I rest the weight…

Most Days Humanity is a Shrug of Futility

Most days, humanity is a shrug of futility. My religion taught me to deny this fundamental existential reality. I was supposed to convince myself that god has a plan for my life. I was supposed to convince myself that I…

Confessions of a Reluctant Writer

I stopped being vulnerable about faith a long time ago. I still write things that are true and real and come from a deep part of me but it doesn’t really feel risky anymore. I’ve said “fuck christianity” and “nothing…

The God Who Doubts

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth…” And I wonder if, after he sat down at an ancient typewriter and composed the opening line of his own biography, god was seized with the voice of self doubt…

God is Not an Asshole (and Other Things I Wish My Pastor Told Me)

We all wonder the same things: Is there a god? What is god like? And most of the time, we’re left wrestling with those questions alone.

Maybe I Don't Love the Church Anymore

I still long for SOMETHING to be the Kingdom of God here on earth, but I’m tired of hoping that any sort of thing labeled “Church” will actually be that thing.

day 24: even when I wonder about redemption

There are days when it seems like the story of our lives, and of humanity as a whole, lives on a razor’s edge between hope and meaningless annihilation.

day 4: random chance, bad luck, and sunshine

Yes, there’s a brilliant spark of creative intent at the beginning of all things but also: random chance, bad luck, sunshine, shitloads of human free will, evolution (maybe? don’t judge me), and lots of general shenanigans / fuckery. (how long O Lord?)