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The Grace of Insignificance

recently a few folks have emailed me to tell me that they perceive me as sad, lost, hurting, or broken because of how i have been playing with language around ideas of god, faith, and existence.

this always catches me by surprise, because i am happy + at peace, more than I’ve been in a while

my path has led me quite a bit down the road from the borders of orthodoxy wherein i lived the first 30 years of my life, but i don’t feel like i have lost anything of value.

still, faith / curiosity / wonder / awareness / desire for connection to the Universe draw me forward

if i am sad, it is only because i feel like i no longer belong in the places that were relatively home for a long time. i’m a bit lonely.

i feel like i have become “one of them” after a lifetime of being “one of us”.

i know that the path i’m on looks like apostasy to a lot of people, looks like i lost my faith. i know there’s a chunk of folks who think i just need Jesus.

this bums me out a bit. nobody likes to be misunderstood. i wish people saw who i am, understood what i’m still about.

but when i fade to oblivion every night, i am at peace.

i fall asleep in the grace of ever-present questions without answers, questions that have become my friends.

in the morning, i wake up in the grace of insignificance, a brief accident of consciousness in a magical world.

from nothing i come, to nothing i return.

but today, i am alive. and i am walking.

it is enough.

published August 3, 2020

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