This is going to be fun.

I don’t feel like writing angsty prose today, but luckily I remembered that I get all the wackiest search terms that people type into google and wind up on my blog. So today I’m going to share a few of them, along with helpful answers and responses for those wondering souls who stumble across my blog looking for answers.

Here we go…

These are actual phrases, reproduced exactly, that various folks searched for on various search engines in the past 30 days and which somehow ( I have no idea how ) led them to my blog. 

are you sinning if you don’t go to sunday night service?

no. going to sunday night service is usually very boring and frankly is one of my least-favorite parts of being a Christian. fortunately, ever since I stopped being a Baptist, sunday night service hasn’t really been on the menu.

(disclaimer: sometimes churches will have cool liturgical or almost-buddhist or otherwise borderline-heretical services on sunday nights, and those are actually some of my favorite times to go to church. though actually, they MIGHT be a sin now that I think about it)

a short poem to your man that he needs to get his shit together because your tired of struggling

my man, please
get all of your shit together and
keep it together because i am so very
[can’t you see how]
tired, I am.

you are my man and I need
you*

*to get your shit together, please

why i am jealous when my wife gets unsolicited hugs at church?

there are two reasons that I can think of:

1.) perhaps you’re deeply afraid of not being loved, and when you see other people hugging your wife it triggers some primal fear of abandonment in you, despite how irrational that fear is given the circumstances. if that’s the case, maybe you should talk to your wife about how you feel, but also talk to your therapist about how you can deal with the trauma underneath that pain?

2.) maybe your church gave you some bullshit purity culture rhetoric about how physical contact is bad because hugs lead to sex, in which case you need to rebuke that purity culture bullshit in the name of Common Sense.

sounds like also maybe you need to solicit a few hugs of your own?

i dreamed i was in the gates between going to heaven and hell and i was sent to hell for not going to church?

Pretty sure that’s not how any of that works. Heaven and hell are mostly about whether we love God and love our fellow humans, and have very little to do with whether or not we go to church.

i stoped goi g to church and i stated being rebellious

same.

children who grew up living under the bill gothard ideas

shiiiiiit. there are a lot of us. we’re a pretty diverse crowd, but I think what most of us have in common is the shared belief that bill gothard and his ideas are a steaming pile of rancid feces. a few other trends I’ve noticed amongst children who grew up living under bill gothard ideas: we spend a shitload of money on therapy. a lot of us are divorced or out as LGBTQ or both. many of us are to the left of center, politically. we tend to be fairly disillusioned about spirituality, though many of us are still holding out hope for some meaning in Christianity.

basically, we’re a huge disappointment to the system that tried to make us robots of a religious revolution, and we’re very happy about that.

if god really like of us why didn’t he troll satan in hell when he betrayed him

Can I just say how much I love the mental image of God sitting on Facebook somewhere commenting on Satan’s Facebook page and Satan is like “I’m not sure if He’s serious or joking?”

#Trolling

reason why a man bakes a cake for a woman

1. It’s her birthday

2. She just graduated from NASA training

3. He wants to eat cake, but wants her to feel special too

4. He’s Pedro Sanchez, and he’s trying to ask Summer Wheatley to the big dance

does wearing superhero outfit to church is wrong?

no, but your grammar is. also, why are you people so hung up on the rules and regulations of churchgoing?

i left a judgemental church & now they are judging me

i saw that coming.

blessed quietness holy quietness hope you sleep the whole night through, now your mom and dad will go up to bed maybe make some more like you

i did not see that coming

list of rights men have lost because of feminism

1. The right to talk all the time and have people assume they’re correct just because they have a penis

2. The right to treat women like possessions

3. The right to have most spheres of influence populated by people just like themselves

4. The right to be the only Presidents

i dont know about christians im done

i don’t know about us either, but here I am anyhow

---

This blog post is part of #write31days. This year I’m skipping out on a theme and going with ten minutes of unedited free-writing every day (unless I don’t feel like it, let’s be honest). You can read more posts from my #write31days by clicking here.