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I Will Cease My Relentless Deconstruction

I will cease my relentless deconstruction when I have excavated deep enough to find something solid upon which I can begin to build again. So far I have found only foundations that turn to sand when I rest the weight…

Most Days Humanity is a Shrug of Futility

Most days, humanity is a shrug of futility. My religion taught me to deny this fundamental existential reality. I was supposed to convince myself that god has a plan for my life. I was supposed to convince myself that I…

Once Upon a Time

once upon a time I was god. once upon a time I was a star. when I was a star I was god but I did not know it then. I do not know it now, either.   once upon…

O Silent Infinite (a Prayer for Advent)

O Silent Infinite, being beyond being which transcends existence (or exists not at all except in our shared desire for You) Our hearts are filled with stories, myths, and songs that say once upon a time on a silent, holy…

churchdread

It’s been 207 days now since I have been to church. It’s been 207 days now since I have received the Eucharist, what once was to me the Body and Blood of God. There have been two exceptions: Rachel’s funeral…

To Church

I didn’t go to church yesterday. I didn’t go last week either, or the week before that (but that one was probably cancelled because of snow and ice anyways). I wish that I could. I wish that I could walk…

Disconnect

We didn’t have internet in our house until I was in high school. I have no idea how we learned stuff, or where our music came from, or how we knew how to cook vegan butternut squash soup. Paper, I…

Confessions of a Reluctant Writer

I stopped being vulnerable about faith a long time ago. I still write things that are true and real and come from a deep part of me but it doesn’t really feel risky anymore. I’ve said “fuck christianity” and “nothing…

for Keenan, if you find this

Yesterday when I picked you up from school you said to me: “Today we got to do whatever we want to in school. Guess what I did?” I guessed that you made music on an iPad, because I know how…

Why I Say Swear Words at Church Sometimes

“You’re not as special as you think you are.” That’s what Dave told me a few weeks ago. Up until that point, I thought I was pretty special. I thought I was special because I feel dead inside almost every…